I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
