The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize