Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
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