He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
