I met the friendliest cop last night
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
