my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
