Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
