Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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