From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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