just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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