I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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