My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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