My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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