the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
