he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
He kissed a someone with a penis
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize