Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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