the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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