Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
