he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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