my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
