Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
