So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
