I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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