i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
