Whod you bang
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
