i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
