I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
