Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
