im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
