I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
