he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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