I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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