Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Floor bacon is actually really good
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
