And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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