My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
