i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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