thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
