He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Be still, my beating vagina.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
