I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
