I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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