I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize