My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
