we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
a search helicopter?!
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
