the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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