she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
