my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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