After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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