I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
