Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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