would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
