I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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