She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
