So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
