Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
