I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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