You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
