Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
