Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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