my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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