he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Randomize
