Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
