I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I pour the whiskey from now on
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
